OKLAHOMA CITY (SP) — The president of Hobby Lobby, Steve Green, knows exactly what is wrong with America: We’re ignernt “of what God has taught.” Accordingly, Green has persuaded the public Mustang School District to boost America’s collective righteousness by incorporating Biblical morality into its curriculum.
Green, a member of the evangelical Council Road Baptist Church, interprets the Bible as literally true and believes he has an obligation to
indoctrinate inoculate children with its moral message before they develop the sinful habit of thinking critically or (horrors!) learn the scientific method — when it will be too late for them to be saved by Jesus. Green expressed his concerns in 2013 to the National Bible Association. “There are lessons from the past that we can learn from, the dangers of ignorance of this book. We need to know it, and if we don’t know it, our future is going to be very scary.”
Green assured the school district that the Bible curriculum developed by the Green Scholars Initiative will survive any constitutional challenges. That curriculum includes many intellectually challenging electives, including the following:
- Pillar of Salt, Genocide, or Disemboweling: The A-Z consequences of disobeying God’s Word.
- Forget Everything You Learned About Geology: Really understanding the flood of Noah.
- Jesus F. Christ: The King of all Magic Zombies.
- So You’re a Rapist: Should you kill her, marry her, or rape her sister/mother? Why all 3 options are perfectly acceptable.
- Daddy Don’t Hurt Me: When childish whining hinders tying your kids to a stone altar and cutting them open with a sharp knife per the Will of God.
- God Talks Out of His Ass: A fun and whimsical approach to the many miracles in the Bible.
- “I’m Not Schizo, Bipolar, or a Psychopath: I’m God.”
- This is Your Brain on Jesus: Why critical thinking is the real mindfuck.
In response to several parents’ complaints that Green’s initiative is an undisguised attempt to make Oklahoma a theocracy that will only result in making children more ignorant and less capable of thinking for themselves, Green responded simply. “Duh.”
It’s impossible to argue with Green’s logic, which manifested itself clear back when he totaled two cars and almost killed his future wife during a fun game of “chicken.” Green chuckled. “We still laugh about it. Sometimes for kicks and giggles I just hang her upside down from the ceiling fan and turn it on the highest speed. It’s hysterical.”