Christie Promises Trump Employment In the Wind Industry in Exchange for VP Slot

Chris Christie uses a visual demonstration to explain the wind job he’ll give Trump “as often as you want it, baby” if Trump Names Christie as his running mate.

Sheep Dip inadvertently became privy to some explosive information when one of its reporters overheard a confidential exchange between Chris Christie and Donald Trump late Tuesday night.

Sheep Dip reporter Cass Strait was visiting the New York restaurant, One If By Land Two if By Sea, when he heard a soft whimpering coming from behind a curtain shielding a secluded booth.   “Please Donald,” a trembling voice (later determined to belong to Chris Christie) pleaded.  “Make me your VP and I’ll give you a blow job like you’ve never had before.  Forty hours a week.  More if you want it.  Any position you choose”  Christie further vowed that Trump’s future employment in the wind industry “will be so intense and amazing it will make you forget your wife.”

“That’s what I love about you Chris,” said an amused and obviously pleased voice in a tough-guy Queens accent.  “You’re a yuge h’or.  I love h’ors.  I have the best h’ors in the whole world.” (referring to Christie’s striking resemblance to his favorite h’ordeurve, pigs in a blanket)

The negotiations continued in this vein as the men fleshed out the details of Trump’s future employment in the wind industry.  Though the curtain remained closed except when the waiter served the various courses, it is believed the deal was finally consummated over the creme brûlée.

City Girls Come Clean: “We really don’t get it”

Norman, OK (SP) — Out of millions and probably billions of city girls surveyed, 99.9899% agreed:  They really don’t get it.

Sources confirmed that this unexpected yet nearly unanimous conclusion was reached after participants watched a reel of Farmers Only commercials, at least an hour after eating.

Several farmers interviewed for this story reacted to the surprising results of the survey with mind-numbing shock.  “I jus’ don’t git it,” said Farmer Jim while scratching his crotch then hocking a loogie into a nearby sagebrush.

Sheep Dip will update this story as more information becomes available.


Inbreeding Has Even More Benefits Than Previously Imagined

High Point, NC (SP) — It isn’t just about convenience anymore.  “Sleeping with your sibling can do more than strengthen your family relationships.  It can also empower you to push through the arbitrary constraints of social convention while reducing stress by lowering your expectations,” says Helga Huffnpuffer, MD, a psychiatrist and clinical professor of Far Right Breeding Habits at Freedum University.  Huffnpuffer is also the author of several books and articles on the subject, including the groundbreaking new treatise, Keeping it in the Family:  Because.

But convenience and less stress are merely a few drops in the shallow gene pool of inbreeding advantages, according to Huffnpuffer’s new book, which is sure to be a best seller amongst inbreeders due to its easy words, simple sentence structure, and bold illustrations filled with bright colors and shiny things.  Here are a few more.

Improved Muscle Tone.  According to Huffnpuffer, studies demonstrate that a majority of inbreeders occasionally burned more fat than members of a control group comprised of nerdy gamers whose exclusively virtual friends boasted monikers like Phantom Phingers and Dude Incognito.  Although both groups spend most of the day sitting on their butts while staring at a screen and eating frozen pizzas between loud slurps of Coors Light, only the inbreeders engaged in anything remotely resembling physical exercise. Short but intense sexual activity raised their heart rates an average of two minutes, including foreplay (i.e. “Hey Eunice, that sure was a fun burping contest!  I can’t git over how you sung the intire Star Spengled Banner in one belch.  Wanna slip into something without buttons and git me another beer before Mom and Grandpa git home?”)

Not only will your ticker get some cardio while you bang your cousin, you’ll also squeeze in some important sculpting: “Sex engages muscles in your abs, back, butt, and thighs,” says Huffnpuffer.  Given these health benefits, it looks like you and your aunt/sister have a pretty good reason to skip that Ted Cruz rally on Saturday morning!

 Mindless Passion for Adventure.  Totally Mindless.  Do you daringly push the pedal to the metal, mercilessly forcing your Dodge Neon to exceed its natural abilities as it lurches forward like a drunken renegade in front of oncoming 65 mph traffic?  Do you then throw back your misshapen head and laugh with wild abandon at the hilarious sound of skidding tires as overreacting liberals and environmentalists slam on their brakes? And do you boldly hang a heart-stopping few centimeters off the back bumper of the car in front of you while traveling 55 mph through a busy two-lane deer migration route with the words, “God Bless Merica!” emblazoned on your rear window, right below your loaded rifle and just a tich above the “Team Trump” bumper sticker?  Are you passionate about teaching ignernt drivers who’s boss by hanging out in the passing line while refusing to pass?  If so, your mom and dad/uncle must be so proud!

Literal Belief in the Bible.  Unlike so-called “intellectuals” who can’t seem to wrap their thick heads around God’s Holy Word, Huffnpuffer’s research proves that inbreeders don’t question God’s wisdom in sending a kickass bear to eat a bunch of rotten little brats who laughed at some old guy.  They totally git why an alleged “rapist” has the right to marry or murder his victim.  Nor do they dispute God’s frequently demonstrated willingness and ability to speak through an ass.  So if you believe that every word in the Bible is true and you also believe it should be the official book of the United States, there’s a fair chance that your dad’s sister really appreciated the thistle and dandelion bouquet your cousin had delivered to your mom for Mothers’ Day.

Constitutional Expertise.  According to Huffnpuffer’s research, if your parents are close biological relatives, you are an expert on the Constitution without ever having read a single word of it.  And you totally wanted to join the Bundy clan at Malheur to protest the federal government … if only the overreaching feds had sent your disability check on time for once!

Way Better Conspiracy Theories.  Inbreeders have an uncanny knack for knowing things that no one can prove with real evidence, and despite real evidence, notes Huffnpuffer.  Moreover, they’re not afraid to share their opinions with such passion and stamina, they will beat that dead horse beyond recognition.  So invite one or two inbreeders to your next neighborhood potluck or family gathering and say goodbye to awkward silences!

Political Opinions.  Inbreeders not only have them, they are often permanently tattooed onto their faces and other exposed body parts.  “It’s a visual demonstration of the inbreeder’s unique intelligence,” explained Huffnpuffer.

Extra Teeth.  “Some people think this is a bad thing.  But answer me this: Who can’t use a few extra teeth?”  Huffnpuffer laughed at the absurdity of anyone even questioning this obvious advantage to keeping the gene pool small.

Clinton Enlists Aid of Horse’s Ass in Prep for Trump Debates

Little Rock, Arkansas (SP) — With the Democratic nomination almost in the bag, Hillary Clinton’s debate strategy has now shifted from pretending to embrace Bernie Sanders’ ideals while disingenuously dismissing his solutions, to spending almost all of her free time at Old MacDonald’s farm where, for hours on end, she trades childish jabs with Ned the horse. Or more particularly, with Ned’s famously vociferous rear end.

Sheep Dip was given the exclusive opportunity to sit in during one such training session where a group of Republicans hailing from under rocks all across the country were bussed in to add a touch of realism. And we’re not going to lie: It was brutal.

“I can’t communicate with an angry and extremely unattractive closet lesbian. Send me a real man to talk to,” demanded Ned’s anus right out of the gate. The Republicans laughed delightedly.

“What more can I expect from a [cough] man who put the dysfunction in erectile dysfunction?” countered Clinton, searching the audience with an expectant smile. However, the Republicans stared at her uncomprehendingly. One gentlemen with at least three teeth demanded that she stop using “big words.”  Clinton’s incompetence was embarrassing.  ::Cringe::

Ned’s butt fired back. “You know, it really doesn’t matter what you say as long as I’ve got a young and beautiful piece of ass hanging on my arm.” This statement resonated with the Republicans who hooted and hollered.

“Y-you’re fat and ugly,” Clinton responded, appearing to flounder a little in the face of horse’s ass’s superior skills in slamming her with juvenile insults.

The Republicans hissed and booed.  It was quickly becoming apparent that Clinton was out-white-trashed and, sadly, out of her league.

In stark contrast, the ass was on a roll.  “I’m going to build a great big wall to hide your disgusting face, which by the way, reminds me of a dog I once ran over because it was so ugly,” Trump said, followed by obnoxious laughter. “And by the way I’m going to make you pay for that wall.” The Republican crowd went wild, some shouting, “Yeah! Make her pay for having an ugly face!”

Clinton stuttered, apparently unsure of how to respond. “Go after the size of his penis and make fun of his hair. Do something, anything,” prompted one of her aides in a loud whisper.

Clinton seemed to rally slightly but then deflated like a balloon. “You’re father was an orangutan and your …” Her voice faltered. Clinton angrily turned to her team of advisors and stomped her foot. “This is ridiculous! When do I get to lie about how much I’m going to protect the middle class from Wall Street?”

Clearly, Clinton has a long way to go before she’s ready to meet Trump as an equal on the debate stage. But she is determined to get there, whatever it takes.

In addition to these rigorous training sessions that insiders privately refer to as “Scraping the Bottom,” Clinton will arrive on the general election debate stage only after pouring over books like Crazy Shit Stupid People Will Believe No Matter What You Say Or Do, Even if You Kill Someone (Bonneville Publishing 2011), Me Talk Gooder Then You (Random House 2006), Political Opinions for Dumasses (Dumbass Publishers 1999), and 101 Ways to Alienate Women, Hispanics, Blacks, Muslims, & Smart People (Drumph Books 2015).

Trump Promises His Base Unlimited Milk and Graham Crackers, 50% Shorter Nappy Times

Source: The Odyssey

CINCINNATI (SP) — During a spirited rally in Ohio today, presidential candidate and likely Republican nominee, Donald Trump, made some wild promises to his enthusiastic supporters. “If you vote for me, not only will I give you unlimited supplies of milk and graham crackers, but only under President Trump will your nappy time be cut in half!” he shouted and threw hard candy as the crowd went wild, some even pulling each other’s hair in a heroic effort to get to the candy first and collect more than their big hands could hold while vowing not to share with any of the losers who missed their chance for free candy.

Trump continued with the earnest subtlety of a first-grader rightfully demanding your lunch money while straddling your prone form in a deserted alley after clubbing you from behind. “And if you don’t vote for me, I’ll tell everyone what a big loser-nobody you are and pull down your pants in front of the whole entire world!” The crowd responded with deafening applause, catcalls, and a few bashful giggles.

Assuming an even calmer and more reasoned tone, Trump substantively criticized opponent Ted Cruz as “a very girly-looking mama’s boy with a really creepy vibe” and taunted Marco Rubio for being “just like your stupid whiner neighbor with a constant whine on steroids and who, by the way, has an annoyingly high voice and suspiciously feminine thighs.  Tell me you’ve never noticed his feminine thighs before and I’ll hand you a mirror and show you a liar.  Don’t even try to go there with me.” These adult observations were received with loud guffawing and spontaneous shouts of “I know you are but what am I?! Ya big fat dumby-head! Ha ha ha!”

Of course, Trump didn’t pull any punches with the democratic candidates either, astutely noting that Hillary Clinton “is a fat lesbian bimbo and bitchy as hell”; and accusing Bernie Sanders of “smelling really old, just like your really really old Jewish grandpa who died about ten years ago. I’m not even kidding.  That’s how old he is.”

Not surprisingly, Trump’s appreciative audience is even more devoted to him now than they were before the rally. “I can’t even thell you how uber-scthuber amazthing it ith to finally have a prethident-guy who thpeakth my languagthe,” raved Lisa (aka “My Huggy Boo Boo Beary Boobers” by her mommy) Nelson. She adjusted her pull-ups and pulled her thumb out of her mouth. “No one but Trump understands what We the People really want. Those other freakazoids are just big fatty-butt losers with stupid ideas and ugly hair.  I hate them,” Nelson observed sagely before reinserting her thumb and twirling her thinning hair through her fingers.

Other supporters expressed similar concerns about Trump’s rivals.  Jonathan (aka “Jon Jon-arooni”) Scott did so while analyzing Trump’s strengths. “My Trump can beat the crap out of your dad, any day, anytime, anywhere” he announced with a solemnity that defied the generous traces of mustard and ketchup left on is face after a simple yet elegant lunch of Oscar de Meyer Weenerz.

With a knack for keying into his voters’ collective intellect and psyche better than any other candidate, Trump also promised his audience extra recesses “on special occasions — like my birthday!”, more generous bestowals of gold stars, fewer spankings, and “on your birthday, all the damn cake and ice cream you can eat!”  He also assured his howling and progressively fidgety and fussy audience that if elected president he would push their bedtimes back 30 minutes, would allow them to watch some television before their homework is done, and “by the way Santa Claus is real and does in fact care if you are naughty or nice!”   This surprise announcement was met by thunderous applause and yelling that reverberated throughout the entire venue.

However, the best was yet to come.  It happened in a moving display of Trump’s extraordinary compassion, one that caused Sheryl Stimson to break down in tears.  Trump vowed to give Stimson a pony on his first day serving as the leader of the free world — if in the interim, she voted for him and provided a note from her mother confirming that she had indeed made “pee pee in the potty.”

“My parents would never give me a pony, even when I did make pee pee in the potty,” Stimson sniffled, trying to maintain her composure.   But as the traumatic memory of her early and unbelievably unfair equestrian deprivation overcame her emotions, Stimson’s sniffles turned into angry sobs, she stamped her foot, and then held her breath until her skin turned a mottled shade of grayish-blue.  When she started breathing on her own again, Stimson explained her reaction.  “I’ll never forgive my parents for not giving me a pony.  They were big meanies.”

Study: Sex Education Shrinks Braincells Vital to Essential Function of Fearing God’s Wrath

TRIGGER WARNING! This article contains facts about sex, quotes from people with an overdeveloped sense of honesty, and uses anatomically correct words that some readers may find offensive.

When that little tartlet, Marie Odell (573 South Liberty Drive, Kansas City, KS 66106; (620) 278-2033), first started having sexual intercourse with her boyfriend “Paul”* and thereby destroyed his innocence forever, they were both teenagers and attended the same high school.

Marie brazenly admits that she lured Paul into the forbidden erotic warmth of her sensual snare and tempted him beyond any normal man’s capacity to resist, let alone a defenseless innocent schoolboy. “I didn’t pay much attention to Paul at school.  But one Friday night we ended up at the same party and started talking.”

Paul agrees it was all Marie’s fault.  “She came to the party,” he said.

But Marie’s shamelessness went far beyond reducing Paul to a trembling victim of her hypnotic siren song.  She knew things that no decent woman should ever know, let alone discuss openly.  “Marie wasn’t shy about asking me about my former sexual partners. She told me she had plans for college and the last thing she needed was to get pregnant or end up with an STD.  She insisted that I use a condom.”

Of course, the most shocking part of this story is Marie’s scientific knowledge about the spiritual consequences of sex and her cold and calculated advance planning to avoid God’s wrath. “It’s really terrifying,” said Helen Hayworth of the Eagle Forum.  “How do kids learn the importance of abstinence if they aren’t properly ashamed of their bodies and haven’t developed a healthy fear that God will curse their private parts with a devastating plague, if they already understand how to protect themselves from chlamydia?  It kinda takes the drama out of the whole situation.”

A recent study conducted by Liberty University confirms Hayworth’s worst fears.  As young girls and women learn about sex from a secular source (aka “science”), their intellectual capacity to connect sinful behavior to God’s wrath severely diminishes and in some tragic cases, completely disappears.  Indeed, researchers have discovered that the horrific story of Marie and Paul mirrors that of many other teenaged boys who find themselves entrapped by women who are both disturbingly knowledgeable about sex and pretty cute.  Even more alarming, these clever harlots feel no body shame.  “They are simply incapable of fearing the Wrath of the Lord.” said Hayworth.

“I just don’t understand how these sluts can plan for sex and feel no guilt whatsoever,” said Jenny Carp, a devoutly religious single mother of four children who each have different fathers.  “I would never do that.”  She shuddered.

As of press time, Carp was in the back seat of her new boyfriend’s Ford Escape humbly resigning herself to the natural consequences of her actions.


*Not his real name.  It is Sheep Dip’s long-standing policy to protect the identities of men who have non-marital sex with women because it isn’t his fault.

Sheep Dip Endorses Donald Trump

Its honoring for me to get to tell all you hard working Americans, all you cops and cooks and rock ‘n rollers and sweaty moms, all you cradle rockers and shakers.  So Donald Trump.  He’s our man!

There are five, ten, actually infinity reasons why we need this man.  He knows the main thing. That’s why lame stream media is afraid of him.  That’s a big red flag, neon flashing sign. They’re all like “His hair is weird.”  His hair.  Really.  That’s all they’ve got. His hair. But I’m telling you.  Trump won’t pussyfoot around, avoiding all the God haters in all their slick spandex walking around and scaring everyone with their so-called “science” and being smart. Nope.  No way Hose-A.  No siree bob.  He’ll take ’em on, all the girly boys afraid guns and God, and the Establishment, all balls-to-the-wall. Yep.

We’ve had enough of “oooh guns are bad so the big bad government — too big to fail Obama dictator — has to take ’em away” scaredy cats buying into the anti-God bad ideas and stuff like that pushed on us by liberal pantywaisting crybabies.  We’re not. It’s time to take back our rights, strict constitutionality, the Second Amendment.  Oh yeah baby, and the First.  Don’t forget that one. Like the crazy liberals do. We’re for all the important numbers. The flag.  Stars and stripes and we support our troops, who Obama abandoned after their legs were blown off.  Freedom, because he hates it. Loves Enemy though. Makes us bend over and take it, then “Thank you Enemy!” Oh and, “We’re sorry you had to do that!”

And abortion is killing newborn babies all over the place. It’s a tragedy. Kids having sex and getting pregnant all over the place, and Obama refuses to fix it.  No, he says religion is bad. Then the Muslims come in and blow up buildings and shoot people.  Posing as fiancés. Left and right.  We need guns, not regulations. That’s what I’m saying.

The Bible talks about this.  The Left would learn something if they’d read it. Like love and some growing a pair so they could stand up and act like men. As if they could read. Haha!  You know?  Yes!

We need stuff.  Like the private sector can.  If we don’t, I mean Trump’s candidacy has brought to light the conspiracy on both sides of the aisle, get it? Yes.  We’re on it.  We see it.  And we’re coming after you.

Go Donald!



God Uses Science, Snooze Button to Save Special Woman’s Life

COLUMBUS, OH (SP) — When as usual, Alicia Carter hit the snooze button this morning instead of going to the gym, little did she know that this seemingly predictable act of self-defeating laziness was in fact the precisely calculated result of God and all of His Holy angels working and planning furiously throughout the eternities to save her from grave injury and perhaps even death.   Thus when Carter burrowed deeper under the covers and went back to sleep just as she had a thousand mornings before, she was oblivious to the way God’s divine love enveloped her out-of-shape body in a spiritual cocoon of safety to ensure her flabby self’s narrow escape from a brutal assault.

“We knew for centuries that there was going to be a stabbing in the gym parking lot at exactly the same moment when Sister Carter would imbed her earbuds, engage her iPod, and exit the vehicle,” said God.  “Accordingly, several years before this long-foreseen incident we inspired some guy to create an alarm clock with a snooze button, a later model of which we inspired Sister Carter’s mother to purchase for her daughter’s annual birth celebration.”  God continued, “Of course, from the moment of Sister Carter’s birth we engineered a delicate balance between her budding feelings of body shame and accompanying low self-esteem, guilt for repeated failures to lose enough weight, natural laziness, a resigned acceptance of chronic knee pain, and a genetic predisposition to develop cellulite.”  God yawned and stretched before adding, “We had our best people working on this project round the clock.”

The eternities of scientific planning and elegant mathematical calibration came together beautifully this morning when, after a brief but harrowing moment of hesitant motivation born of emotional self-flagellation, Carter finally gave up on her New Years resolutions and hit the snooze button at 5:01 a.m.  The feeling of relief in the heavenly realm was palpable but there was still one major hurdle to overcome.  That happened twenty minutes later when some other woman was stabbed in the gym parking lot.

“Mission accomplished!” declared a bright-eyed angel who had worked tirelessly to fine tune Carter’s loathing for treadmills with a dawning realization that her expectations of physical perfection are unrealistic.  Upon hearing the rookie angel’s pronouncement that Carter was safe in bed during an assault that was designed for her before the foundation of the world, the heavens erupted in wild cheers and God and all of His Holy angels high-fived each other.  More than a few tears of gratitude were shed.  “Whew!  That was a close one!” said the Angel Gabriel, passing a trembling hand across his sweaty brow.

As of press time, Carter had just learned about her near stabbing from a local news report and posted a message on her FaceBook wall, announcing her humble gratitude for God’s “awesome foresight!!!” in developing the snooze button that saved her life.

Highlights from the Geo Pee Debate: Totally Good Reasons Why We Kneed A Republican President

Sorry – I googled “geo pee” and this was all I got.

I decided to watch the Geo Pee Debate on TV tonight for some intellectual simulation.  And boy did I ever get simulated.  I was reminded of so many grate reasons to vote for one of these grate men! (No offense to Carl Figorini … I just don’t trust anyone with a vagina named Carl trying to do a man’s job🙂  So here, from the cannedidiots themselves, are a few of my favorite Best Reasons for Voting Republican:

  1. The whole world is laughing at us because Obama is totally incontinent.  It’s embarrassing.
  2. ISIS!!   Worst Greek goddess ever!!!
  3. We’re really really scared … of anyone who is brown.  (No, that doesn’t make us pasteurized.  Grow up.)
  4. The constitution is super old.  It was fine for our grandparents and the dinosaurs.  But it doesn’t use Twitter or even have a Facebook account.
  5. … Except we do like the Second Amendment.  Without that part, our grandparents wouldn’t have had any arms and thus couldn’t have fought off the dinosaurs and the atheists during the Evolutionary War.  They would have been forced to use their teeth instead, and with all those dentures popping out at the worst possible times, it would have been a complete disaster.
  6. Because terrorists!  They’re coming to a mall near you!!  (And will be disguised as serious refugees if Obama wins again.  Don’t let that happen!!!)
  7. Obama is a total wuss for allowing an underdressed Greek goddess with anger issues to reek so much havoc on the world.  He’s the one who armed her with powerful weapons like K-1s, 401Ks, and superpowers.
  8. We have to let the intelligence comedy find the terrorists hidden in our emails, iPhones, and meditation.  Anyone who can’t see that is in Denali.
  9. Jesus said it’s okay to hate all Muslims because even if they seem nice on the surface, they may consider becoming terrorists if they can’t get a real job or if they just think it would be fun to try out for a while.
  10. It’s okay to kill other people’s children when you’re a doctor with experience cutting open children’s heads and telling them you’re about to do it.  Who is better qualified?!
  11. We need another war.  ASAP.  Somewhere.  Because we’re scared.  If we were fighting someone somewhere, we wouldn’t be so scared all the time.
  12. We really really hate President Obama-Clinton.
  13. Name one time when we sent our military into another country and it didn’t turn out super well.  I know!  Right?
  14. Our national debt is killing us.  Thankfully war is cheap.  And we’ve had so many we can probably get a discount.  Like frequent flyer miles.
  15. “Because I have a vagina.” (Just to clarify, that was Carl Figorini. And that’s basically all she had to say but I didn’t want to exclude her.  That would be  sexist and probably make her feel bad.)
  16. Obama sneaks up behind people all the time and tries to lead them in a song.  Probably something lame by Al Jolson.  So annoying.  No wonder he doesn’t get any work done.
  17. We need a humungous wall between us and Mexico that goes all the way around the world.  It’s President Obama-Clinton’s fault that we didn’t buy one already when they were on sale.

Christian Community Terrorized by Happily Married Gay Couple

A traditional family in Gilbert, Arizona attends church.

GILBERT, AZ (SP) — It was cold night on December 21, 2014.  Don was reading the Bible aloud to a few of his buddies as they huddled together at a topless bar when his wife, Agnes, heard a seemingly benign knock on their front door.  She was home alone with the couple’s four and seven-ninths children, unaware of how profoundly her blissful heterosexual life was about to change.

What happened next is still difficult for Agnes to talk about.  Less than a minute before that fateful knock she landed in an exhausted heap on the stained and threadbare sofa that smelled faintly of dirt and urine.  It had been a joyful day of changing endless diapers, driving incessantly whining children to school and soccer practice, and listening to Don yell after she burned the meatloaf.

Now with the children all safely tucked into their beds and sedated on Benadryl, Agnes was looking forward to a little “me time.”  It was her birthday and she was still basking in the warmth of Don’s thoughtful gift: A shiny new plastic kitchen garbage can that he found on clearance at Walmart.  Blue.  Like the sky on a clear winter day during an inversion, she recalled with an affectionate smile.  This year he even remembered a card, a musical one.  A grinning horse’s head graced the front panel that opened to a  cheap mirror and the whimsical melody of “The Old Gray Mare (she ain’t what she used to be …)”  Don had a knack for always finding just the right thing.

Agnes juggled a well-worn copy of Fifty Shades of Grey, a half empty carton of Premature Death by Salted Caramel Fudge ice cream, and the latest edition of Cosmopolitan opened to an article entitled, “You’re Not the Only One Tired of Your Umpteenth Pregnancy: 21 Signs Your Husband is Sleeping With Someone Way More Attractive While You’re Horking Up Your Esophagus.”  A framed print of Jesus Christ hung from a single nail above the couch.  My heterosexual Christian life could not be more perfect, Agnes thought contentedly.  It would be the last time she would think that.

Upon hearing the knock Agnes sighed, hoisted herself from the sofa and waddled innocently to the door.  She was unprepared for the appalling sight that greeted her.  Two seemingly normal men with deceptively kind smiles stood on her front doorstep, holding  out a gorgeous plate of steaming beignets.  “Hello,” said one who was wearing a soft gray sweater.  “My husband and I just moved in next door.  We wanted to stop by and introduce ourselves as your new neighbors.”

“Your husband …?”  Agnes’s eyes darted in shock to the matching wedding bands on their fingers as the terrifying truth dawned. Little did she know, but that chance encounter was the beginning of the end for her blissful traditional marriage.

She later recounted the horror of that first meeting during an interview with Sheep Dip.  “They were so nice and appeared so … normal.”  She looked at Don who scowled while sitting beside her on the stained sofa.  “It was obvious they felt a twisted pleasure in tormenting me for my religious beliefs.  It was sickening.”  Agnes took a deep breath and continued.  “They even offered to help me if I ever needed anything.”   She looked at Don and winced at his expression.  “The big bullies.”  Still visibly  suffering the negative effects of that fateful encounter, her face took on a dreamy cast.  “Oh, but the beignets were so delicious.  Don’s never given me anything like that … not even for my birthday,” she said in a scandalized whisper, then giggled for no apparent reason.

Don and Agnes recently joined other terrorized Christians in their community to make a formal stand against the gay couple’s imminent threat to their religious freedom to hate and discriminate against gay people.  “We’re tired of their bigotry and persecution because of our religious beliefs, and we’re not going to take it anymore,” Don courageously declared to loud cheers and applause at a recent community potluck and effigy burning.  He elbowed Agnes who stood next to him, staring off into the distance.  “Tha- that’s right,” she said, startled.  “I’d never even heard of a beignet before.  … It’s a fabulously flaky pasty that’s lighter than air and …” her voice trailed to a breathless whisper.  She looked at Don and seemed to remember something.  “It ain’t right.”

Other Christians in the community have also been victimized.  “Ever since they showed up, my wife has been nagging me to clean up our yard,” said Tom Wardle, inclining his head toward the gay couple’s lush garden.  Noting that his heterosexual marriage had suffered a serious wound, Wardle was quick to acknowledge that he was far from the only victim.  “What they did to Agnes and Don … it was a hate crime,” he said.

But that demonstration of blatant religious intolerance was only the beginning.  Other members of the Gilbert community have reported the gay couple saying “Hello” to them and even speaking kindly to their children.  One Christian family was horrified to come home from a Disneyland vacation to discover that the gay couple had thoughtfully placed their newspapers on the front porch so it wouldn’t look like no one was home.

But no one has suffered from the gay couple’s happy marriage like Agnes and Don.  A few weeks after we interviewed her, Agnes was overheard directing Don to “shove it” before she forced him to leave their once blissful Christian heterosexual home.

As of press time, an elderly woman had called police to report that one of the gay men helped her load groceries into her car, totally undermining her Christian belief that gays are bad and forcing the City of Gilbert to issue a statement.  “We want people to know that Gilbert will not tolerate these blatant acts of religious intolerance.”